Femme House

Femme House

Leah said breathe into the things that hold you up
I felt the back of the chair, my feet on the floor,
the basket of your intertwined fingers that catches my heart every time

first it was Amelia whose home was calling her
then Trudy, and adventure
Justine, and the sun
Sara, and the break
Allison, and her dreams
and then it was just me
here
expected to explain my sadness to him.
All I can do is sit quietly in the cave of it, in awe of its shape
I reach out to touch it, and run my finger along its gritty grooves and pits

I photocopy poems and send them in the mail
I write letter after letter
I get in planes, taxis, rental cars
I bring books, I send dresses
I send Mac and Cheese
I write you a poem and then another poem
I lay these offerings like bricks, dripping in love like I’m dripping in sweat
This is how I build my house
This is how I get you back

I press each prayer into the ground, laying the foundation
I see Amelia’s blonde hair and Allison’s mixing bowl
(The frame)
There are warm smells, a wooden table, and a dark sky outside the window
(Drywall)
There’s laughter filling up the kitchen of this big old house
(Mud)
There’s no more harrowing road trips just to end up in the arms of someone who can actually hold you
(Primer)
There’s no more depending on the letters that always seem to get lost in the mail
(Paint)
There’s no more secret sobbing when she moves away, or decides to stay another year
No more texting “That’s so great” while you’re actually lying on the bathroom floor
(Yard)
There’s no more tears saved up for the dog park
No more keeping letters in your head
Because we are all here
In my kitchen.
Scorpio femmes making fires in the kitchen.
This is how you hold me up
This is how I built my house

-Andi Schwartz